


My broken heart like the tide

by Dalankar



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dalankar/pseuds/Dalankar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In their world it is a crime to fall in love. But they're young and love finds them so easily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My broken heart like the tide

**Author's Note:**

> Loose concept from the Delirium series by Lauren Oliver. Dedicated to Yellowleaf, until the end.

The first time Youngbae kisses him on the lips, it's a gentle, fleeting thing. Jiyong jerks back as if burnt, fingers flying to his lips and staring at Youngbae with wide eyes.

 

"What are you doing?" he asks and Youngbae smiles.

 

"Did you like it?"

 

Jiyong blinks. "We're not supposed to...we can't do that," he says.

 

"But you want to right?" Youngbae asks, so sure of himself. So sure of them both.

 

"If they catch us…" Jiyong knows what happens. They'll get carted off to detention where they'll have to wait until they're 21 to get the procedure done, to get their brains rewired so society is never troubled by love and not burdened by the troubles that it inevitably causes. And if they decide to do the procedure before that as punishment, Jiyong knows no one comes back from that.

 

Youngbae touches his face.

 

"I won't let them," he kisses Jiyong again, longer this time, "I'll never let anyone hurt you."

 

\---

 

Youngbae watches Jiyong's face light up at the sight of the book in Seunghyun's hands.

 

"I never thought I'd get to…" he trails off as he reverently takes the book from Seunghyun. Youngbae throws an arm around Jiyong's shoulder and looks down at the book.

 

_Wuthering Heights._

 

"Where did you find this?" Youngbae asks curiously. Although Seunghyun is the son of the district's program director, this book is without a doubt level one contraband.

 

Seunghyun shifts and runs a hand through his hair.

 

"There was a raid last week," he says looking up at Youngbae, "some of the stuff hasn't been processed yet," he explains.

 

Jiyong looks up, tearing his eyes away from the book for a moment.

 

"Will you get in to trouble?" he asks, cradling the book to his chest as if worried he might be forced to let it go.

 

Seunghyun smiles. He isn't going to tell Jiyong about how hard his heart was beating as he sifted through the crates of books looking for the one he knew Jiyong wanted. His elbow still hurt from when he had knocked it against a crate in his haste. But it is all worth it now to see Jiyong's bright smile.

 

"Nah. They don't even know it was there," he says, earning a smile from Jiyong.

 

Youngbae ruffles Jiyong's hair fondly, "Thanks," he says, knowing Jiyong is now too far gone to say anything coherent for a while. Jiyong ducks out from under Youngbae's hand and sits down on the tattered couch, not once looking up from the book in his hands.

 

Seunghyun chuckles.

 

"I think you might have some competition now, Youngbae," he says easily.

 

Youngbae glances at him. He knows that Seunghyun knows or atleast suspects that he and Jiyong are breaking the highest law in the state. Seunghyun meets his eyes directly. Youngbae knows Seunghyun is as trustworthy as they come. Even if his father is the director. Youngbae is certain that Seunghyun would never risk any harm to Jiyong. He ought to feel jealous. But all he feels is relief. The life he and Jiyong have chosen is dangerous and he is glad to know that if he fails, Jiyong will have Seunghyun to watch over him.

 

\---

 

They run away when they are 19, before they get carted off to the medical centers and lose each other forever. Youngbae knew some people who knew where the runaways could go. Small scatterings of people living outside of government influence and control. People unwilling to give up love.

 

The small community is hidden away in the mountains in a derelict warehouse that its desperate residents have somehow managed to turn in to something habitable. They meet Seungri there. A teenager with a bright smile who takes a liking to Jiyong immediately. And to Youngbae's chagrin,  Jiyong who almost never likes new people, becomes quite attached to the kid as well. But then Seungri tells them about his boyfriend who has been away on collection duty for three days and Youngbae stops tensing every time Jiyong throws an arm around the kid.

 

"We can grow most things we need," Seungri says, referring to the large vegetable garden at the back of the warehouse. Youngbae had been surprised to also find a small chicken coop with dozens of chickens and two goats also wandering around the garden. Jiyong loves it though, he'd spent an entire hour chasing chickens around the coop until Youngbae shepherded him away.  "But there's some stuff we can’t make ourselves. Medicine, clothes and things like that. So we have a few contacts in the city that help us out with that."

 

"People from the city?" Jiyong asks surprised, looking up from where he's sitting cross legged next to Youngbae as he tries to mend a broken radio.

 

Seungri nods. "Yeah. I couldn't believe it at first too but this place has been here for a while and there's always been people keeping it going."

 

"How did you get here?" Jiyong asks and Youngbae looks up in time to see Seungri's face close off for a moment. Jiyong sees it too and he stands up, walking over to Seungri and sitting down on the table next to him. Seungri looks at him, face clearing again with a small smile.

 

"When his parents found out about us...they wanted him to have the operation right then. Even when they knew he was too young." Seungri's eyes dart away towards the window. He doesn't seem to notice when Jiyong takes his hand, slowly smoothing out a clenched fist. "So you ran," Jiyong finishes for him.

 

Seungri smiles. "So we ran," he says.

 

They meet Daesung two days later. Seungri stays glued to his side for days after that. Youngbae likes them. To be so young and sacrifice so much for each other. Youngbae admires their courage.

 

 

\---

 

 

Seungri crouches behind the wall when he hears the door open. When they realised they were caught, Jiyong had pushed Seungri under the stairs and told him to 'stay there, whatever happens'.

 

"Oh it's you." He hears Jiyong say.

 

“Jiyong, what-" a deep voice starts, utterly surprised. But before he can finish, there are other footsteps in the room.

 

"Drop your weapon!" the voices are shouting, making Seungri flinch with their anger.

 

"Wait! Wait, don't-" pleads the deep voice.

 

"Kwon Jiyong, you are under arrest for murder, theft of government property and breaking the Loveless act."

 

Seungri hears Jiyong laugh. He can see the exact expression of contempt on his face. Knows Jiyong is going to say something or do something that's going to get him killed. Seungri can't let him do that. He steps out from the shelter of the wall and all the guns train on him. He holds up his hands. He knows Youngbae is going to come. He just has to make sure Ji doesn't do anything crazy until Youngbae comes for them.

 

He dares a glance at Jiyong and sees his mask of contempt slip and fear flicker across his face.

 

The soldiers are making their way towards Seungri when Jiyong speaks, eyes fixed on a tall, dark haired man.

 

"I'll come with you without a fight but let him go," Jiyong says, pleading and bargaining at once.

 

"No!" Seungri shouts.

 

Jiyong turns towards him, eyes blazing.

 

"Why couldn't you just do what I asked you?" he snaps.  Seungri flinches.

 

"Ji-" he starts but a high, mocking voice interrupts. A man, shorter than the dark haired man, with dark, amused eyes, steps forward.

 

"This is all very touching but I think I'll have you both," he says, drawling out the last word and nodding to the soldiers who move towards them and Jiyong darts around them to position himself between Seungri and the approaching soldiers.

 

"Don’t do this, please," Jiyong begs and Seungri touches a hesitant hand to his back. The dark haired man takes step forward, face pained. But he doesn't say anything and the soldiers keep coming.

 

Seungri rests his head on Jiyong's shoulders.

 

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

 

He keeps his eyes on Jiyong as the soldiers pull them apart and bind their hands.

 

\---

 

 Youngbae grips Daesung's shoulders tightly.

 

"Where are they?"

 

There are tears running down Daesung's face and he stands limply in Youngbae's grip, uncaring that the fingers are holding him in a bruising grip.

 

"They got caught," Daesung sobs, "oh god! Seungri!"

 

Youngbae growls and shakes him.

 

"Tell me what happened? Jiyong? They have Jiyong?"

 

"We were… nothing was supposed to go wrong but there were soldiers and then Jiyong, he shot one and Seungri wouldn't leave without him. Please, Youngbae, we have to get them back, before ... before...oh god, we have to get them back!"

 

Youngbae falls away from Daesung as if burnt. They have Jiyong. All the futures he had imagined for them, Youngbae sees them all disappear in the blink of an eye. Instead all his futures are now filled with blood and fire. But Youngbae will only move forward. Because Jiyong is at stake and he wouldn’t dream of doing anything different.

 

\---

 

"Hey, Ji?" Seungri's voice is soft in the dark. Jiyong shifts so that he's facing the dark haired boy in their narrow cot.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"If I… if they...if I don't make it back, will you tell Dae that I… tell him that I love him."

 

"Don't fucking talk like that! We're getting out of here," he pulls Seungri closer and wraps his arms around him, "Youngbae's gonna come for us and you can tell Dae yourself."

 

Jiyong feels Seungri relax a little. "Okay."

 

\---

 

They rip Seungri from his arms and drag him away.

 

"He's too young!" Jiyong yells, hands thumping on the door they slammed in his face, "He's too young, you assholes! You're gonna kill him!"

 

But no one answers him. No one comes. Eventually he slides down to the floor, hands wrapped around his knees and tries not to remember the fear in Seungri's eyes as they took him away.

 

\---

 

Jiyong's eyes are gentle when they turn to Seungri. Gentle, like he rarely is anymore.

 

"Look, Ji," Seungri exclaims, "It's like a rainbow!"

 

Jiyong sits down beside Seungri and looks at the multi coloured box of crayons in Seungri's hands.

 

"You can draw something beautiful, Ri," Jiyong smiles.

 

Seungri laughs, "Yeah!"

 

Jiyong looks up at Seunghyun with blazing eyes.

 

"This is what you did!"

 

Seunghyun flinches at the words.

 

"I didn't do this," he says softly.

 

"Your people! Is this what you want for me too?" Jiyong hisses.

 

"They're not my people," Seunghyun says tightly, "You know I haven't had the procedure yet!"

 

"But you will, won't you? They've had your name down since you were born, son of the director!"

 

"There is no reason for me to not do it," Seunghyun holds Jiyong's angry eyes, "is there?"

 

Jiyong watches him, breathing heavily as if he'd been running.

 

"If that's what it takes to get out of here."

 

Seunghyun's eyes widen in horror.

 

"Who do you think I am, that you think I'd ask that of you?" he asks, genuinely hurt.

 

"I know you want me. You always have," Jiyong stands up, so close to Seunghyun that he can feel his body warmth, "You can have me if you can get us out of here."

 

Seunghyun takes a step back, glances down at Seungri who is watching them with wide eyes, a hand wrapped around Jiyong's ankle for assurance.

 

“I’m not that person,” he says turning around and walking away, “and neither are you.” He’s almost at the door but he knows Jiyong hears him. 

 

\---

 

"They have Jiyong," Youngbae says.

 

Seunghyun looks away.

 

"I know."

 

"I came for him but I,” Youngbae pauses, taking a deep shuddering breath. “I'm not going to make it out of here."

 

There is nothing Seunghyun can say to that. They both know it is the truth. It is why Seunghyun is here, in this cell visiting a friend he knows he will never see again.

 

"I need you to get Jiyong to safety."

 

"What makes you think I'd do that?"

 

"Let's not play this game, Seunghyun. Not now.  I know there was a time when you would have done anything for him. I hope you haven't changed."

 

"You won't ask me to get you out?"

 

"It's either me or him. And I'd choose his life over mine any day."

 

"You shouldn't have come here, Youngbae. There is nothing...I can't do anything to help you."

 

"Just get Jiyong out and Seungri, if he's…"

 

"The procedure it… he was too young. ” He can still hear the boy screaming as they took him to the operating theatre, joining with Jiyong’s angry shouts. There had been nothing he could do.

 

"I was supposed to keep them safe. I failed."

 

"I'll get them out."

 

"Thank you."

 

"I'm sorry, Youngbae."

 

Youngbae shakes his head slightly, a small smile on his lips.

 

“Goodbye, Seunghyun.”

 

\---

 

Jiyong doesn't scream when Seunghyun tells him. He stands still, unblinking.

 

"I'm sorry Jiyong." Seunghyun knows it's not enough. It will never be enough. "I'm so sorry."

 

Jiyong shakes his head, as if to ward off his words.

 

"No," he whispers, backing away. His eyes are unfocussed and Seunghyun takes a step forward, reaching out a hesitant hand. Jiyong backs away until his back hits the wall. His hands curl against the wall and there are tears running down his face.

 

"Jiyong…" Seunghyun steps forward again.

 

"Don't!" Jiyong's voice is harsh and he hasn't met his eyes once. "Leave me alone."

 

Seunghyun watches as Jiyong slowly slides down the wall on to the floor.  He is staring straight ahead, seeing something Seunghyun cannot. He should leave. Instead he sits down beside Jiyong, staring ahead.

 

"He wanted-"

 

"Shut up! I don't care! Do you think I'd suddenly be grateful to you? That I'd need you now? I don't need you! I don't care that he...he… why didn't you get him out? He was your friend! Why didn't you?"

 

"He chose you," Seunghyun says gently, remembering the calm determination in Youngbae's eyes as he told him to 'get them out'.

 

Jiyong shudders, choking back a sob, and buries his face in his knees.

 

"Kill me," Jiyong pleads, looking up with tear stained eyes. Commands.

 

Seunghyun meets Jiyong's eyes without flinching. "No."

 

Jiyong's face twists.

 

"I broke the law. I killed one of your men.  Just kill me!" Jiyong's hands grip his shirt violently. Seunghyun makes no move to push him away.

 

"You coward! You fucking coward!" Jiyong yells, body leaning in to Seunghyun's as he loses his manic energy as soon as it arrived.

 

Seunghyun can only imagine what Jiyong’s feeling. Imagine how he would feel if he lost Jiyong, even after all this time, even if Jiyong wouldn’t love him back. Even then, he knows the pain of not having Jiyong around would be worse than the constant ache in his heart that is there when Jiyong is around.

 

He wraps a tentative arm around the shaking body and pulls Jiyong closer when the other boy doesn't push him back.  Jiyong shakes against him, gulping deep breaths and pulling on Seunghyun's jacket so hard that the collar pulls painfully against his neck.

 

Seunghyun stays until Jiyong quietens. Until Jiyong falls in to an uneasy slumber that is interrupted by occasional jerky movements, by whimpers and sobs. He carries him to the narrow bed and lays him down, pulling the thin coverlet over him. Seunghyun would save him, even if Youngbae hadn’t asked.

 

"You're okay," he whispers, brushing Jiyong's hair back from his face, "I won't let them hurt you." 

 

 ---

 

"Hey, Jiyong." He opens his eyes to find Youngbae's dark eyes fixed on him. He is smiling, eyes crinkling at the corners.

 

"Come on," Youngbae says, holding out a hand. Jiyong looks around nervously but there is no one there. So he takes the offered hand and lets Youngbae lead him towards the cafeteria. They are at school. Every corner is so familiar, every room attached to a memory. Pleasant and unpleasant. But there are no students now. No teachers. They make it to the cafeteria and Seunghyun is sitting at their usual table. Looks like he's doing impressions by the laughter of the two other people at the table. Seungri and Daesung. Jiyong can't help but smile. He's always loved Seunghyun's impressions. As if feeling the weight of his thoughts Seunghyun looks up at him with a smile. Jiyong takes a step forward and realises he'd let go of Youngbae's hand. He turns around, panicked. But Youngbae is there, calm and steady.

 

"I'm not sorry," he says gently. And Jiyong falls. All the anger in his heart disappears until all he feels is fear. He is so scared. All of a sudden the world has become so unpredictable. So unfamiliar and he doesn’t know where to go. He struggles. He doesn't want this. Doesn't want the pain.

 

And then.

 

"You're okay." Jiyong stops falling. There are strong hands on his shoulders holding him steady.  
"I won't let them hurt you."

 

Jiyong breathes and let go.

 

\---

 

"I used to watch you at school. I didn't understand for a while why I wanted to and when I did, I already knew it was too late. You and Youngbae were inseparable.  I promised him that I would get you to safety. Now I've kept my promise.  This pass should get you across the border and then you'll be free. Leave now, Jiyong. I hope you don't come back."

 

Jiyong watches the retreating back of the man who had saved his life. The man who loves him, who had never asked for anything in return.

 

"Come with me," he calls, the words out of his mouth before he could think.

 

Seunghyun stops but doesn't turn around.

 

"I don't think you mean that." Seunghyun's deep voice is sad as it is carried by the wind to Jiyong.

 

"I do," Jiyong says, taking a step towards Seunghyun.

 

"You need to go now before the patrols arrive." Seunghyun turns his head, looking back at Jiyong. There is a small smile on his face, "Maybe we'll meet again one day."

 

He lets the tears fall freely as Seunghyun walks away. He watches him disappear in to the horizon before turning around. Seungri and Daesung are waiting for him. They fall in to either side of him as they walk towards the border. Jiyong reaches out and takes their hands in his'.

 

 

 And they walk towards freedom hand in hand.

 

 

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Haru Haru by Big Bang.
> 
> Happy to finally put this up after dillydallying for so long.


End file.
